“Sticks and stones may break my bones but
words will never hurt me.” This little rhyme was one my mother told me
and I used many times as a child when someone was taunting or teasing me
or calling me names. I was trying to convince myself that the words of
another did not matter, but the truth is, their words did hurt me. I
could pretend otherwise, but inside it hurt. The words cut, they create
damage within and knowing that someone said something to intentionally
hurt me, did not help.
To this day however, the words of others are nothing compared to the
meanness and hurt of some of the words I’ve said to myself. I don’t
always say these words out loud, but the inside of my head is not a safe
neighborhood to hang out, especially at night. If I had an action
figure that represented myself and every time I had a negative or
self-critical thought I whacked that action figure, I doubt it would
make it through the day. It seems this is common among people I’ve
talked to. I’ve worked with dozens of clients who refer to themselves as
their own worst critic, but never as their own best friend.
Many psychologists discuss the concept of the inner critic. It’s
referred to by many different names, but most agree that it can be
directly linked to how our parents talked to us when we were growing up.
Throughout our childhood experiences of interacting with our primary
care givers, we imitate the parenting we received inside our own heads,
continuing the practice of praising, disciplining, etc. One of the ways
that shows up is as that critical inner voice. It’s also possible to
have a nurturing, supportive voice but this softer, gentler voice for
most people is drowned out by the louder, critical one.
In addition to self-criticism, I notice there are times when it seems
everything going through my head is negative. No one around me is doing
anything right, things are going wrong, and the world is a dark and
scary place. When my inner self-talk goes down the fear spiral my mind
can really go to town with what’s going on with the economy, and how I
have been affected personally. The ‘what if’s’ completely take over and
my inner neighborhood becomes a dark storm of disastrous possibilities
that show up as loss, scarcity and catastrophe.
The good news is we can actually change our inner self-talk AND we
can change what comes out of our mouths. Catching the inner critic
before it starts beating us up and shifting our words to nurturing,
supportive direction, like a coach would give, can lead to more positive
outcomes in our lives. Being conscious, deliberate and intentional
about what we say and what we think takes raising awareness, making a
choice and acting differently.
Raising awareness starts with becoming an observer of yourself,
noticing what you’re saying to yourself, how you’re interpreting
situations, and what is actually coming out of your mouth, especially at
those moments when no one is there to witness it. I have found the
practice of journaling to be very useful in this. There are times when I
don’t feel comfortable telling another person what I’m really thinking,
but I would write it in a journal I knew was safe from the eyes of
others. Once my thoughts and words are down on the page I can often see
how my thinking is distorted.
Once I have recognized a negative or disempowering pattern, I can
make a different choice. But what choice do I make? After all, my best
thinking got me here. It can be really helpful in the beginning to get
input from an objective friend or advisor since we can’t always be
objective about ourselves. For example, I told a friend of mine that not
as many people have been signing up for classes lately. She reminded me
that I could look at this as something personally to do with me or I
could more accurately conclude that people are reserving funds because
of the economy. I realized she was right. If I take it personally, it
feels negative, discouraging and disempowering, but with the latter
interpretation I can look at it as an opportunity to do some work that I
haven’t had time to do because I’ve been training so much.
Acting differently, of course means we don’t just raise our awareness
and do nothing with it, it means we follow through and declare our new
interpretations out loud. It’s a way of establishing a new pattern.
The most powerful way I have found to make these ideas work for me is
by being proactive vs. reactive. If I wait for the moments when my
thoughts are negative and self-critical it is much harder to direct
myself to a positive direction, but by deliberately choosing to be
gentle and supportive of myself as a matter of course, I can create a
positive foundation to build from.
To do this, I have developed a daily practice of saying positive,
uplifting and empowering statements to myself as soon as I wake up in
the morning (typically the most negative time of day for many people).
Statements like these are commonly called “Affirmations” because they
are validating a positive truth we wish to emphasize and expand. The
most gratifying result for me is a reduction in fear and depression, in
spite of the constant influx of negative input so prevalent lately in
the news and by doing this on a daily basis I have started a new, more
positive pattern of thinking that leads to raised self-esteem and more
positive outcomes.
